last february
It was around this time last year that I realized I needed to help myself. Not many people know that I suffered from postpartum depression after I had Emma. It was hard. Many days I would just stay in our bedroom with her. I couldn't leave the house. I couldn't get up and get dressed. I didn't really eat breakfast or lunch. I was a mess. I felt so lonely and at the same time I felt so connected to my daughter. The insane rush of hormones caused by having a baby combined with the lack of hormones caused by my thyroid disease was so awful. I didn't really have anybody to turn to other than my husband. We took baby steps together, just the three of us.
Emma and I would go on "adventures" once a week. At first I had to make myself leave the house. I knew it was good for the both of us. We started going to the antique mall and the thrift shop by my house. We walked around Target. We were patient with each other. I learned that it was possible to get dressed and leave the house with my newborn and everything was going to be okay. Sometimes I even had to nurse her in the dressing room while we were out. Our weekly adventures became more frequent and before we all knew it, spring had arrived and new habits helped change my outlook and attitude. I didn't feel so desperate any longer and I moved onto other mommy issues :)
I felt like I was less than patient with Emma yesterday and I feel awful about it. I just wasn't feeling very joyful. I felt like I was in survival mode and I'm not even sure why. My husband reminded me that Emma has her days when she's less than patient with us and we just need to try hard and work with each other. I love my family. I love my husband and I love that he's patient with me, and I love how he encourages me as a mom when I feel like I could be doing a better job. and I love my daughter and how smart she is and how big she's growing. She is such a silly joyful giggling colorful little blondie and I am excited to see what this spring has in store for us, and I am excited for all of the "adventures" that are waiting for us :)
Please be gentle with yourself. I think we all have those moments! I too experienced postpartum depression and anxiety, and it was the most awful, terrifying, heavy thing I have ever felt. It's hard to explain the intensity of it to someone who hasn't experienced it. Sometimes, I can still only get through the days moment by moment - now not so much because of the depression and anxiety, but because parenting is so darn hard! Deep breaths, and lots of love... xo
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